See in part one
 

LONELINESS part 2
by Patty Pat
 

Neelix had described this planet as full of fruits and vegetables although it also had specified that all those treasures we so desperately needed were heavily guarded by the Kazons. Aldaz, it was the name of that planet, had long ago been a quiet place where its inhabitants were living peacefully. The Kazons needing some fresh food replenishment had once landed there and colonized the weaponless citizens of Aldaz. Those simple people were now reduced to slavery as the Ocampan would have been if Janeway hadn't interfered with the Kazon's plans.  Voyager was in deep need for those resources to keep going, but as the Kazons were already our enemies since the Caretaker incident, it would have been safer to avoid Aldaz and that's what Neelix strongly recommended to the captain.  But the opportunity was too good to let it pass, or so thought Janeway.

"Any option Mr. Tuvok," she asked while still thinking about the possibilities.

"At this time, I have to agree with Mr. Neelix. It doesn't look safe for us to provoke the Kazons."

"Maybe we can trade them something in exchange..."

"I don't think that would work," Neelix answered the captain.

"Is there a way to contact the Aldazians without the Kazons knowing it?" she asked again.

"There is... but I wouldn't recommend it," the Talaxian said nervously. "You see, the Kazons have spies on Aldaz, otherwise we already would have encountered their ship. Spies inform them of any intruder in the colony."

"So we could beam there and simply avoid those spies..."

"Well... Spies are not Kazons but corrupted Aldazians, so it makes difficult to know who you're dealing with."

"I see... Is there any of our technology we could trade with the Aldazians in exchange of food?"

"There ain't any," Neelix answered. "They're farmers, they have no use of technology."

"Could we free them from the Kazons?"

"Useless..."

"Why?" she asked curious.

"For two reasons. One: because once we leave, the Kazons will come back. Second: they're addicted."

"Addicted?" she inquired surprised.

"To some substance given by the Kazons which make them very dependent and very cooperative."

"Like the Jem'Hadar?" Tom Paris asked.

"The who?" Neelix said looking at Paris strangely.

"What are the effect of the substance?" Janeway questioned ignoring the interruption.

"Hallucinations which usually lead to death, unless they get another shot. It's very powerful and make your mind choose you own death. You could imagine being cold and freeze to a real death."

"I really start to dislike those Kazons," Chakotay grumbled.

"How low are we in food?" Janeway asked the cook.

"Very low, but we'll find another source of food soon, I'm sure!"

"I can't take that risk, Mr. Neelix, unless you can give us precise coordinates for such planet."

"I'm afraid I can't..."

"Then we have to go on Aldaz. Suggestions?"

"Couldn't we just beam some food up to the ship?"

"And steal it? No way Mr. Paris.  Anything else?"

A long silence followed her question.

"Mr. Neelix," Janeway resumed, "you've been there previously to attend business, right?"

"Yes but..."

"So you know who's who down there?"

"It was a long time ago, they may have changed..."

"Well, we just have to take that risk. You'll be part of the Away Team.  Mr. Chakotay, Miss Smythe, you're with us. We'll meet in Transporter Room 3 in fifteen minutes.  Mr. Tuvok, you'll have the bridge. If any Kazon war ship arrives, don't fight it: leave the orbit and come back later to pick us up."

"If I may say, I don't think that you are taking the right decision," Tuvok said in his Vulcan way.

"Acknowledged Mr. Tuvok, but we're going!"

A quarter later, Chakotay, Janeway, Neelix and I were stepping on Aldaz ground. The weather was extremely pleasant, warm but not too hot with a light breeze to cool us off. We were alone in that sector, so we switched from phasers to tricorders to analyze the place.

"Mr. Neelix?" she simply said.

"One of the village is two minutes over there," he answered, pointing in one direction.

"Let's go! Do you see anything eatable?"

"Almost everything is," the little man answered enthusiastically. "That flower here make a great soup, that root a wonderful dessert, this..."

"Fine Mr. Neelix," she interrupted smiling inwardly, "just make a list of what you need so we can ask fort it when we'll meet with the Aldazians."

"The atmosphere looks a lot like Earth," Chakotay analyzed, "same compounds at an equal level."

"It looks like a nice place to live," Janeway admitted charmed by the surroundings.

"Don't judge too quickly," Neelix reminded her.

We had been walking for a few minutes when we arrived near the village. Neelix recommended carefulness and took the lead of our expedition in hope to spot quickly any potential Kazon spy. He succeeded in bringing us to a house in the town center, the Aldazian leader himself.

"Neelix," the leader said opening his front door. "What a nice surprise!"

"Teragh, my friend," the Talaxian greeted back. "Could we come in?"

"Of course... Did you see anyone else on the way to my home?" he asked obviously concerned.

"No, we were careful. Teragh, let me present to you the Captain Janeway, Commander Chakotay and Ensign Smythe."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Janeway said shaking Teragh's hand.

"The pleasure is all mine. Although... your visit worries me. Aldaz isn't a safe place for tourism."

"We're here by necessity, not for vacations," Janeway explained. "We are explorers and we need food supplies to keep on going. We were hoping that we could buy some from you."

"I'm afraid that won't be possible. We have strict orders from the Kazons. Once they took what they need, we just have enough left for us to survive..."

"Your... garden looks big enough for many people..."

"The Kazons take a lot, believe me Captain."

"I have hundred and fifty-two people aboard, Mr. Teragh, and they need to be fed. We are light years away from our home planet and we would be really grateful if you'd help us to continue our journey."

"I wish I could..."

"Captain," I interrupted, "sensors indicate Kazons presence nearby."

"Some spy must have seen you, you'll have to go," Teragh said suddenly agitated.

"How nearby is that, Ensign?"

"Half a mile and coming toward us."

"Away Team to Voyager."

"Tuvok here."

"Do you have any Kazon ship around?"

"Negative, but we did detect some Kazon activity on the surface. I strongly suggest that you'll be careful."

" Noted. Janeway out. Mr. Teragh, how can we leave without being seen and putting you in any danger?"

"They're surrounding us, Captain," I said as calmly as I could despite my own anxiety.

"Janeway to Tuvok, can you beam us up?"

"Negative Captain, there is too much interference in the village. You'll have to be at least one kilometer from it."

"Try to compensate those interference, I'm not sure we're going to be able to leave by foot. Janeway out. How many are they?"

"Twelve," I answered, "and armed."

"I'm sorry to say that, but I told you so," Neelix said sadly.

"You also said that there were no Kazon on the planet and yet, there are. How did they get here?"

"May be their ship is cloaked..."

"No, they have a permanent group here now," Teragh explained, "but Neelix couldn't know that, it's something new."

Someone knocking heavily on the door and Teragh rushed to open it without giving any time to us to react.

"I was just trying to find a way to contact you," he begged trying to protect himself from the Kazon leader.

Followed by four men, he pushed Teragh aside violently and came in the room. They took our weapons despite Janeway's attempts at negotiations et they ordered us to follow them to their headquarters. They brought us in the opposite side of the village in a building that reminded me of some Gestapo quarters I had seen in holodeck simulations of World War 2.  We were left alone in an empty room with disgusting dirty yellow walls, a smell that was fitting the look and no where to sit.

"Janeway to bridge," she called as we were alone, "any luck with the transporter?"

"Not yet," Kim answered, "but we're working on it, Captain."

"Work fast, we need them! Janeway out.  Status, Commander..."

"There's no exit. We just have to see what will happen next."

"Somehow, this isn't much comforting," Neelix grumbled.

The violent entrance of a Kazon interrupted our attempt to conversation. Janeway stood in front of him, straight as an 'i' in a vain attempt to look as tall as he was.

"I'm Captain Janeway from the Starship Voyager, we are he..."

"We know who you are, " he blurted, "You have violated a private territory and you will be judge for that crime."

"All we wanted is to buy some food..."

"You are not allowed on this planet. You'll be judge and sentenced. You," he ordered Janeway, "come with me."

Before I even had a chance to attempt anything to protect Kathryn, the Kazon was gone pulling the captain roughly by her left arm and Chakotay had the reflex of stopping me from interfering.

"That won't do any good, Ensign," he told me.

He was probably right, but it was difficult for me to do nothing to help Janeway. Nevertheless, there was nothing I could do so I reconciled myself to wait for her return.

Janeway was brought in another room where the Kazon leader was waiting for her.

"Karden," she recognized him.

"Janeway!... I thought that last time I told you not to cross my way again... You should have listened..."

"All we want is to buy food," she repeated.

"You are intruders here, Captain... And we have decided to convict you to be assimilated."

"Assimilated? What do you mean exactly?" she questioned feeling a shiver running down her spine.

"You are going to be like the Aldazians: very cooperative."

"Why don't you let us go? We didn't mean to intrude..."

"I can't let you go because it would set a terrible example and also because you're very annoying every time we see you. I had enough with you."

He walked closer with a ugly and evil grin on his face.

"I'm going to inject you one dose of that liquid called Minal-E. Only one, but you're gonna be addicted for life. This is very powerful as Mr. Neelix may have told you and if you don't take some more, you'll feel terrible until your death arrives... That's what you've been sentenced to."

"Karden, we committed not crime and we haven't been judged yet," she argued trying to swallow the lump stuck in her throat.

"You did come here without asking permission and I judged you," he finished as he grabbed her arm with one strong hand, the other holding an hypospray.

She tried vainly to get away, but Karden was too strong and he injected her in a swift move of the hypospray in her neck. Having succeeded, he let her go. Janeway was somehow surprised to feel nothing different despite the injection.

"You better carry this with you," Karden explained calmly. "There is an hypospray and two doses of Minal-E. You're gonna need them within two hours."

"I won't use them," she spat.

"You'll change you mind son, believe me Captain."

He waved to a guard who brought Janeway and the drug kit back in our room where he shoved her in, making her loose her balance and ending in Chakotay's arms.

"How are you?" the commander asked.

"Fine. What's the situation?"

"Unchanged. Tuvok and Kim are still trying to get rid of the interference to beam us up. What's that?" he questioned seeing the hypospray mark on Janeway's neck.

"Hypospray's wound."

"Did they drug you?" Neelix asked worriedly.

"Apparently so, but I don't feel anything. May be it doesn't work on human physiology."

"I wouldn't count on that," he said grimly. "You see, those drugs are not to make you feel anything when you take them, but to make you suffer when you need more..."

"And the more you take not to suffer, the more you get addicted. I get the picture, thank you Mr. Neelix," she said sarcastically.

"Tuvok to Janeway."

"Go ahead, Mr. Tuvok."

"We apparently got a lock on the Away Team but... we have only three signals."

"We are all four together..."

"I have no sign of you on my sensor, I cannot beam you up."

"Must be a drug's effect. Could you lock on any Aldazian?"

"Negative," he answered after checking on his console.

"Then beam up everybody but me and you'll think of some solutions from Voyager.

"I... I'd like to stay with you. If what Neelix says is true, you're going to need someone to assist you."

"Pat, I thank you for your concern, but I won't need anyone until I'll go back on the ship. You'll go with the others."

"Sorry to insist but..."

"It's an order, Ensign," she concluded dryly. "Mr. Tuvok, energize."

At the moment when the signal was given, I removed my comm-badge that disappeared along with Chakotay and Neelix.

"Then I guess I'm ready for Court Martial," I told her calmly as we were left alone.

"Chakotay to Janeway, what happened?"

"Ensign Smythe decided to take off her comm-badge to disobey my direct orders. Please note for the record that disciplinary measures will be taken once the situation return to normal."

"Acknowledged. Chakotay out."

"Are you mad at me?" I asked her after a long and exasperating silence.

"I'm disappointed at least," she grumbled. "You always promised me that our private like wouldn't interfere with our duty... and you just proved yourself wrong."

"I may have spoiled both our friendship and my career,  but I couldn't leave you alone here. Even if it's the last thing I do as your friend, I just can't let you down. I care too much..."

"I should have known," she sighed, "that it couldn't work."

"I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable."

"Uncomfortable? Do you realize the dilemma you put me in? When we'll be back on Voyager, I'm gonna punish you because you've been loyal to a friend... If I don't, I'll be a partial captain who authorize her friends to disobey a direct order... If I do, I'm a woman with a heart of stone punishing someone who did care for her... Now you tell me if that is comfortable or not!"

"You'll have to punish me, no question about that. And I know that your heart is not made of stone..."

"Anyway, we'll discuss that later," she interrupted dryly. "Now we have to find a way out of here. When I came back earlier, there were no guard at the door. Maybe we can try to go away..."

"And once we're out?"

"We run to the forest where Voyager might be able to lock on us."

We slowly opened the door and noticed that indeed there was no guard. We had no difficulty leaving the building and it was as easy to leave the village.

"It was too easy," I thought out loud. "They must know that you cannot be beamed out."

"We're not certain of that yet. I'm sure that Kim is trying hard up there to get us. Janeway to Voyager..."

"Chakotay here."

"Any good news?"

"Not yet but we're following your... walk. I must warn you that Kazons aren't far behind you."

"I know but I think that they're just monitoring us... I'm not sure why... Keep me posted."

"Don't worry, we'll take you out of there.  Chakotay out."

"We can't stop if they're behind us, so we'll keep walking that way."

"Aye Captain."

"Isn't it a little too late to respond to my orders?" she asked bitterly. "If I understand what happened, you're not here as a Starfleet officer but as a friend... It's a word I'm using a lot since I know you," she realized pensively.

"It sounds great in your mouth..."

"Anyway, as long as we are alone together, you may as well put aside Starfleet protocol."

"I appreciate it, Kathryn," I said sincerely.

We walked away from the village for almost an hour without incident. Voyager didn't have any good news for us yet, but Janeway was remaining positive.

All of a sudden, she stopped and moaned despite herself.

"What is it?" I worried. "Did you hurt yourself?"

"I...I don't know... My hand felt like a burn or something."

I looked at her hand which looked perfectly fine. Although both her hands and arms were shaking. Despite the fearful look in her eyes, Janeway explained calmly that it must have been a first effect of the drug she had been injected with earlier.

"I guess the time has come for me to experience what keeps the Aldazians so dependent from the Kazons... Let's walk while I still can."

Not even fifty feet further, she dropped on her knees holding her arm against herself, feeling deep pain and fear rising.

"My arm is in fire," she managed to explain to me, trying hard to keep her emotions in check.

"It's an hallucination Kathryn... There is NO fire..."

"It hurts, it hurts... I'm burning..."

She started to scream, surrendering to the pain and panic, fighting an non-existent fire by rolling herself on the ground. The fire felt real to her and I tried as much as I could to stop her from truly hurting herself in her deluded state. She was totally hysteric and I was almost unable to control her. Finally, resourceless, I slapped her face roughly and that, to my great surprise, calmed her for a short while.

"Sorry," I said softly, "are you ok?"

"I was on fire, it felt so real," she explained, her eyes full of tears. "The pain is excruciating..."

"Just take one dose," a deep Kazon voice said behind us.

"Never," she spat.

The work cracked like a whip as she struggled to stand up and meet Karden face to face.

"It's the only way of killing the hallucination," he explained her. "Otherwise, it's the hallucination that is going to kill you... in a very painful way, may I add."

"I will not take more drug," she said gritting her teeth to fight a new surge of pain rising through her body.

"Yes you will... Your mind is taking one of your worst fear and make it feel real... You are your own enemy right now... I see in your eyes that it has  started again..."

"I... will... not..."

The pain surpassed her stubbornness and she dropped on the ground crying from the pain while a laughing Karden left us alone. I had the two doses Janeway didn't want to take with her in my pocket but I was somehow hesitating to use any of them against her will. It was impossible to hold her still as she rolled herself on the ground trying to extinguish the imaginary fire that was consuming her body. She was screaming her lungs out and I was desperate to see her in that state. She didn't want the drug, but I couldn't just stand there and let her die in suffering... Finally, I took the hypospray and injected a second dose in her neck. Immediately, she calmed down and fell out of consciousness. Sitting on the ground, I took Kathryn in my arms to comfort her and I tried to pull myself together enough to think about our situation.

"Take your time to rest, sweetheart," I whispered gently caressing her face with the back of my hand. "I'm checking on you... Everything will be fine now..."

Five minutes later, she regained consciousness but I softly forced her to remain still where she was.

"What happened?" she croaked, her voice having suffered greatly from her previous screaming.

"Situation is under control... for now! How do you feel?"

"I'm not sure... I... I saw myself burning and yet I don't have any mark on me... What stopped it?"

"I did. I gave you a shot."

"You took the drug with you?"

"Yeah... I know you didn't want to, but..."

"Forget what I wanted! You did the right thing. I had no idea how real and how strong the pain would be... Thanks Pat," she concluded passing her hand behind my head.

Her wounded blue eyes locked into my green one as she slowly raised her face closer to mine without saying a word. She had only a slight hesitation before posing her lips on top of mine in a wonderful but sorta shy kiss. I felt her lips parting and her tongue asking entrance in my mouth. I happily complied to her silent request and the kiss grew deeper and passionate.  When she pulled back, locking her eyes back on mine, I was speechless.

"There are some things we're gonna have to discuss next time we'll go on the holodeck," she whispered with emotions.

I was unsure if her reaction was an effect of the drug or if she had wanted that kiss as much as I did, but I refrained myself from asking. Finally, she unlocked our eyes and she moved aside to sit her back to a tree trunk.  Her hair being almost undone after her fight with the hallucinations, she decided to let her long strawberry-gold hair down on her shoulders. She was regaining control of herself quickly while I was totally mesmerized by her beauty.

"Janeway to Voyager," she called after tapping her comm-badge.

"Tuvok here."

"Mr. Tuvok, what news do you have for us?"

"We did get your signal for a very short moment, but very feint and it didn't last long enough for us to amplify it."

"When the drug is lower," I analyzed.

"Believe me, Mr. Tuvok, seen from here, it was way too long!"

"What did happened to your voice?" the Vulcan asked curious.

"I yelled to much at the ball game. Keep working. Janeway out."

"That wasn't quite nice," I said softly.

"You're right... But they don't have to know.  Now, if we recap a bit, we learned two things: first the Kazons won't catch us because they know we'll come back for more drug; second we know that it is very powerful, or I should say deadly powerful if you don't get a shot quickly enough... Any suggestions?"

"To stay here, hoping that Voyager find a way out quickly!"

"What if they don't find it after you gave me the last shot?"

"We'll see then... but I won't let you die, nor suffer! You're exhausted, why don't you lean on me and rest?"

"Sounds good," she admitted cuddling against me tenderly. "It's good to rely on someone and, I shouldn't say this but... I'm glad to have you with me here."

"This won't be used against you," I teased her. "I don't regret to have chosen to stay, Sleeping Beauty..."

"So I haven't dreamt it the other night: you really did call me like that..."

"Yeah... and I'm sorry not to be the charming prince!"

"Don't be so sure... We're due for a serious conversation."

"Later! Things are way to much unusual here to have a fair point of view of events or of relationships... Back to Voyager, it will be different."

"Our feelings won't change..."

"Mine won't but yours may..."

"I don't think so."

"We'll see, ok? Now please, no more."

"Why not?"

"..."

"Truth and Trust," she reminded me. "Why not?"

"Because it hurts. I'm not sure that your reaction isn't caused by that drug in your veins... I don't want to believe that you love me too and then find out that once drug free you don't give a damn about me..."

"I understand... Fine, we'll talk when back on Voyager then."

"Thanks."

A little more than an hour passed in silence, Kathryn's head leaning on my shoulder. She wasn't sleeping but she tried to rest her mind and body as much as possible while I was trying to find a solution to our problem.

"What's that?" she asked suddenly, sitting straight beside me.

"Where?"

"There! Don't you see it? Kind of a rat or something..."

"There.. is nothing.. at all," I articulated suspiciously.

"Are you sure? I see more now... They're coming from that hole..."

"Kate, breathe slowly... it's an hallucination."

"It started again," she understood, panic filling her blue eyes as she looked at me.

"I'm afraid so... C'mon, I've gotchya, it'll be ok..."

"Tuvok to Janeway."

"Smythe here, the Captain is unable to respond."

"The interference's rate has decreased a bit, we're going to try to beam you up."

"It's biting me," Janeway was starting to panic. "Pat, it's biting me..."

"Please explain," Tuvok requested.

"She's hallucinating. Beam us directly to sickbay."

"We need a couple more minutes to adjust."

"We DON'T have a couple of minutes. She's suffering..."

"My leg, my leg," she yelled furiously trying to escape my hold on her.

"Tuvok, she needs another shot if you can't beam her up and she needs it now!"

"Hold on, Ensign," the Vulcan ordered. "Don't give her the drug yet..."

Janeway was screaming in pain and fear as the illusion of those animal eating her alive was getting stronger. She was fighting them, fighting me, and it was becoming almost impossible to keep her safe. I heard Tuvok saying 'energizing' and I found myself in sickbay... alone."

"The Captain?" I worried.

"It doesn't seem to work," Tuvok's voice answered. "I can't get a lock on her..."

"Dammit! Send me back," I ordered anxiously. "She's gonna die, send me back NOW!"

I reappeared beside Janeway who was agonizing on the ground, faintly moaning as her mind was visualizing her death. I rushed to the hypospray, took Kathryn in my arms and injected the last dose we had. She felt unconscious immediately. I checked her vital signs which were weak but present and I let a sigh of relief when I was sure she's survived her ordeal.

"Status, Ensign," Tuvok requested.

"She'll be okay, but that was close! Don't do that again please..."

"We're doing the best we can. Tuvok out."

*You best ain't enough*, I thought angrily. We had almost lost our captain because of their dangerous attempt and I was having a hard time dealing with the idea of loosing her.

She remained out for almost twenty minutes. When she came back, she jumped in fear and grabbed me as if her life was depending on it. *Actually, it had depended on it* I realized.

"Shh... I've gotchya, I've gotchya," I reassured her holding her tight against me. "It's ok..."

"I'm... alive?" she whispered, incredulous.

"Yes, my dear captain, you are alive!"

Exhausted by the violence of what she had just experienced twice in a few hours, she was unable to stop her tears as she sobbed while I tried to comfort her as much as possible, rocking her gently and telling her reassuring words.

"It's so real," she gasped. "Snakes, rats, wolves... they were devouring me..."

"Shhtt... Don't get upset, it's over now."

"I... I could see parts of me in their jaws... legs... arms... organs too..."

"You just had a terrible nightmare, Kate... Try to forget... I've gotchya..."

"The pain was real too..."

"I know," I murmured at a loss of words. "I won't let that happen again, I promise... I love you to much to let you suffer..."

"You're sweet," she sniffed. "I'm lucky to have you here."

"You almost lost me," I grumbled before I could stop myself.

"What?" she asked fighting for some self-control.

"Tuvok tried to beam us up, but I'm the only one who made it through. They sent me back but it wasn't as quick as I wished... Now that we know that we can't beam you even when the drug level is low, I won't wait to give it to you. You won't suffer that much..."

"You forget only one thing: we don't have anymore drug."

"I'll find Karden and ask him..."

"He wants ME to go, not you. But if we go in the village, Voyager won't be able at all to have a lock on us..."

"We have no choice, Kate. They can't have a better lock here and you need the drug. I suggest that you rest a short while, then we'll go to see Karden."

"If we must," she sighed letting her head drop on my shoulder.

We rested for fifteen minutes more in the same position, silently thinking.

"I have an idea," I exclaimed suddenly. "I need to talk to Kim."

"Janeway to Voyager," she called without asking me any details.

"Chakotay here. We're a little busy right now, Captain."

"What is it?" she worried straightening herself.

"Two Kazon warships have decloaked and are firing at us."

"I gave you order to leave if that was to happen."

"Yes Captain, but..."

"Listen! Pat wants to talk to Harry Kim. After that, I want you to leave the orbit. You'll come back whenever possible."

"But you..."

"We'll manage!  Mr. Kim?"

"Yes Captain..."

"Harry," I said when Janeway looked at me, "do you think you could put my amplifying system in use on top of electromagnetic tripole generators?  to increase the transporter ability?"

"Maybe, but I can't beam you anything without lowering the shields... and it'll take a while to configure properly."

"How is the situation, Mr. Chakotay," Janeway asked.

"Bad enough. I'll try to send you what you need."

"Don't put the ship at risk to do it. If the situation is bad, you'll have to leave. It's an order! If we get the generators, we'll set them here and when you'll come back, we'll make a rendez-vous at those exact coordinates."

"Acknowledged. We'll take care of you and of your ship too, Captain. Don't worry... Chakotay out."

"Easy to say," she grumbled.

"Chakotay is a great First Officer, he'll manage."

"I hope so!"

Without me noticing, Kathryn had become the captain again. She was sitting straight beside me and seemed to have got a certain control of the situation. I was worried for a moment that her ego would prevent her to surrender to Karden's wish, but in fact she was finding new energy to better face him. We both knew he wanted to humiliate her and she was preparing herself mentally for that moment.

"We'd better go before a new crisis," she said abruptly trying to stand up.

"Yes Ma'am," I answered getting on my feet, just in time to catch her before she fell on her knee. "Are you okay?"

"Just a little dizzy... Let's g..."

Just before she finished her sentence, three generators poles appeared beside us.

"I'll be damned," she smiled, "they made it! Let's set them up quickly..."

We installed the three poles in a equilateral triangle, beams aiming toward the center where we would be standing whenever Voyager would come back for us. We tried to hide the generators with some branches and started walking purposefully toward the village. Janeway tried to reach Voyager, but we didn't get any answer. Neither I, nor she didn't dare ask each other if Voyager's silence was because of them breaking orbit or because they'd been destroyed.

Karden was waiting for us with a victory smile crossing his ugly face. Janeway and I had taken formal distances again, as she was my superior officer, and that is as an officer that she attempted to negotiate with the Kazon.

"So," he said sarcastically, obviously enjoying the moment, "you've come to your senses..."

"Yes," she answered holding his look with her own and standing as straight as she was able to. "I realize that I need that drug and if your ships leave Voyager safely going away, I'll do what you want..."

"You're missing the point here, Captain," he spat. "You can't request anything. I'm not trading your obedience for anything else... I want you to beg me to let you live!"

She swallowed the insult without twitching and remained silent in front of his tormentor.

"Can't we talk like civilized people?" she asked between clenched teeth.

"You don't have the right cards in hand for that..."

Despite the fact that I was a step behind her, I detected a sudden hand contraction and I understood that she was entering into another hallucination. Unfortunately, Karden saw that too.

"You don't have time to play hero, Captain..."

"I'll... I'll do what you want..."

"If what? Captain..."

Slowly, she was loosing control of her mind and she seemed to have difficulty breathing.

"What is happening, Captain?" he asked ironically while two guards got a hold on me to stop me from interfering.

"I'm... drowning... Can't... breathe..."

She was frantically gesturing like someone drowning and vainly trying to keep her head of the water. She was holding her breath, choking as if she had swallow some water. She took a deep breath and then choked again, until Karden slapped her face so violently that she was thrown on the floor three meters further. Almost gallantly, he came toward her and gave her a hand to bring her on her feet. He used her temporarily moment of lucidity to state his demands again.

"You need a dose... Crawl on your knees and beg for it!" he ordered.

Already, the dreadful effects of the drug were resuming their ugly work. Janeway didn't seem to be willing to submit herself to such an humiliation despite the suffocation symptoms she was again experiencing.

"Do what he asks, Kate," I panicked. "Do it for me if not for yourself, but DO IT!"

My reaction made Karden laugh out loud while Janeway fell on her knees. Between two attempts to breathe, she finally resign herself to beg for her life.

"Please... help... me..."

"Please who?" he asked calmly.

"Goddamnsonofabitch," I yelled, "she did beg. Now give her what she needs."

"Help..." she whispered from the edge of unconsciousness.

"Please who?"

"Pl... Kar...den..." she moaned falling on her stomach on the ground, her lips blue by the lack of oxygen

Karden smiled and gave order to let me go while he handed me the hypospray. I rushed to it and injected Janeway with the drug as quickly as I managed.

"She doesn't breathe," I panicked.

"Shame," he laughed leaving the room calmly with his associates.

"Kate, you can't leave me now," I whispered desperately looking for her pulse.

Her heart wasn't beating and she wasn't breathing.  *God, no!*  I was trying to overcome my panic and remember my first aid courses I had taken back at the Academy.  *CPR... how do to CPR?  THINK, Pat and think quickly!*  I laid her on her back and attempted mouth to mouth breathing, trying to stop all the negative scenarios my mind was starting to build.

"Come on, Kate," I groaned between two breaths. "I need you with me... Come on, my love... breathe for me..."

And suddenly as I was almost ready to give up, she decided to come back to life, taking a huge breath shaken by spasms. I let out a sigh of relief.  *Safe... for now!*  She coughed, spat and absorbed all the air she could to fill her lungs.

"Welcome back," I whispered forcing her to remain lying down by my side.

"I was dead," she said weakly. "I could see you trying to revive me..."

"So what took you so long to come back?!" I gently teased her.

She had a pale smile and her beautiful eyes locked on mine tenderly.

"I came back only for you," she murmured raising a shaking hand to dry a tear rolling on my cheek. I took her hand in mine and squeeze it strongly.

"I love you Kate and I don't want to loose you..."

"I saw that... I love you too..."

At her request, I helped sitting down, her back against the wall, and I sat beside her, my arm around her shoulder.

"May be I shouldn't," I hesitated in case she wanted some formal distance.

"I don't think we need any protocol with Karden... but I need you!"

Just a that moment, Karden entered the room so brusquely that we startled.

"Oh, you've survived, " he said with obvious disappointment.

"I'm tough to get rid of," she grumbled without moving out of my hold.

"I have to admit that I admire you. Many Aldazians haven't survive the first crisis and you did it three times. It must be a record!... Now, follow me!"

I helped a weak Janeway to stand up and she leaned on me to be able to follow him across the village.

"This will be your home and that, the land you'll farm for us. There is twenty doses of Minal-E for you inside the house. These will last longer to let you work without interruption. When you'll need more drug, you'll have to trade fruits and vegetables with us. Is that clear?

"Perfectly."

"Good... Now if you don't cooperate, I'd be glad to see you begging again..."

"One day, Karden," I raged, "I'm gonna kill you for what you did to her."

"No you won't because SHE needs me," he spat back. "She's addicted to some stuff I'm controlling and you're addicted to her so you won't do anything which might hurt her..."

"Things may change, Karden, and that day I won't miss you!"

"Yeah yeah yeah... until then, I suggest you work a little. Your neighbours will show you everything you need to know."

We got left alone in the small house that had been assigned to us.

"You're addicted to me," Kathryn repeated. "What a strange view on love and friendship..".

"But somewhat true! It's probably why he doesn't drug me... Now, what do we do?"

"Farm until Voyager hails us," she spoke with resignation. Karden had broken her spirit and she was giving up.

The same thought crossed her mind: 'IF Voyager hails us', but none of us expressed that thought out loud. We needed to believe that they had escaped the Kazons and that they would come back for us.

Two days passed without a word from Voyager, only silence answered Janeway's attempt to communicate with our ship. Our immediate neighbors, an Aldazian couple with three children, had explained us how to work in the field that had been attributed to us and they told us about life on Aldaz before the Kazon's assimilation. Neither Janeway nor I had gone back in the forest where the tripole generators had been set, not willing to know if our enemies had found them and reduced our hopes of living this place some day. We even avoided talking about Voyager, each other knowing how painful it was, each other knowing exactly what those thoughts were.

That night however, once lying in our side by side beds for a well deserved sleep, Kathryn brought the subject up for the first time.

"Do you think they're still alive?" she asked abruptly, eyes fixing the ceiling without looking at it.

"I try not to think about it... But if they are, they will come to get us."

"I'm not sure I wanna go back on Voyager..."

"What? What do you mean by that?" I blurted out sitting on the edge of my bed and looking at her with surprise.

"Well... I feel okay only because I have the injection when I need it. If we go back on Voyager, what proves that the doctor will be able to get me out of that addiction?"

"He's the best doctor in the quadrant, he'll cure you!"

"But if..."

"There's no 'if'!"

"Tell me Pat," she ordered softly locking her deep blue eyes into mine as if reaching for the answer straight in my soul, "what would happen 'if'?"

"Kate," I started calmly stepping closer to her, "IF the doctor can't do something, then we could replicate that shit."

"And if we can't replicate it?"

"That makes a lot of 'ifs', don't you think?"

"Yes, but they're possibilities..."

"You are worrying for nothing, sweetheart," I whispered taking her in my arms tenderly. "One day at the time is long enough. I don't like to see you as pessimistic as me... You're supposed to be the one who see the bright side!"

"I have trouble focusing on it, Pat," she admitted cuddling closer to me. "A lot of trouble..."

"One day at the time... Let me help you on that: how do you feel about the present moment?"

"Good... safe..."

"Safe?" I asked surprised.

"Yeah, you're here, you're taking care of me, you're my guardian angel..."

"Gee wheez.. Guardian may be, but I ain't an angel! So you feel safe... then what else?"

"I kind of like the way we live here; it's quiet, we're together and somehow happy about it..."

"Despite the situation, I enjoy every second I spend with you here," I agreed.

"So do I..."

"See, I told you that you could see some positive side..."

"But you go in the same direction I did: would it be good to go back on Voyager?"

"On Aldaz, you're existing but you're not living... Life is your ship, your crew, your quest for home, not planting fruits. I know you too much to believe that farming is what you always wanted to do."

"Maybe it's time to go back on some more basic needs..."

"I'm sure that when Voyager will call us, you'll be the first one to wanna go back."

"Maybe... I don't know anymore..."

"You're tired, you should sleep now," I concluded trying to get up.

"No," she stopped me "I... Would you... mind staying close to me tonight?" she asked shyly. "I... I need to feel your comforting presence against me..."

"You... you want me to sleep with you?" I asked through a fog of emotions.

"Beside me," she specified.

"Kate... this is childish and my love for you isn't a child game. What you're asking me cannot be done without consequences..."

"You're going to abuse me?" she teased, provoking despite herself.

"I don't know if it's something wrong with the drug, but you're pushing it a little to far," I warned softly.

"I'm sorry," she spoke sincerely. "It's just that I'm scared... but you're right: I'm no child! I should control that myself. Sorry I have asked."

"You really are scared, aren't you?" I worried. Here was my fearless captain suddenly needing me to fight her fear. I felt... overwhelmed by that thought.

"Beyond fear... I can hardly handle it..."

"You're shivering... Okay, sweet you, I'll stay beside you tonight... but I won't sleep much," I finished slipping myself in her bed, my arm under her neck, her head upon my shoulder.

"Thanks," she whispered coiling up against me. "I'm sorry if I'm causing you any trouble..."

"My conscience might be in a slight trouble, but my heart is in Heaven right now. Sweet dreams, Sleeping Beauty," I whispered caressing her forehead tenderly.

"'night," she groaned already half asleep.

I was admiring her capacity to fall asleep so quickly as I knew I wouldn't be able to do so for quite a while longer. I was truly concerned for Janeway. She always had been a strong woman who knew where she was going and no one could ever slow her -even less stop her- from her goal, but that drug had such effect on her that it was making her so vulnerable that I was sincerely worried for her health, both mental and physical, on a long term intake. If I was sad to see that forty years old woman turning into a fearful child into my arms, I was also deeply conscious that it was making me stronger, as I felt responsible of her safety. Also I wanted so much to be worth of the trust she was having in me. How long would we have to wait until Voyager's return? How long would I be able to assume the weight of responsibility Kathryn had delegated to me? And what would happen the day we'd go back on Voyager? Would I be able to give those responsibilities back without feeling lost? Protocol and rank wouldn't permit me to work on the bridge close from her anymore... And what about our personal lives?... One thousand and one questions turning in my head until dawn without finding one single answer...

When she woke up the next morning, I still hadn't been able to fall asleep.

"You did stay with me," she smiled opening one eye to check on me.

"I sure did," I confirmed smiling back. "Did you sleep well?"

"Very well!.. Apparently, you didn't," she realized raising herself on one elbow to better look at me.

"Doesn't matter, sweetheart," I assured sincerely.

"Yes it does, honey."

"Don't laugh at me," I warned, startled by the pet name.

"I'm not. You give me cute names all the time, why couldn't I?"

"Well... I'm not used to hear them..."

"You will from now on!"

"That's gonna be a problem when we'll be back on Voyager."

"Oh come on, we'll never go back and you know it!"

" Never say never, sweet captain," I countered silencing her with my finger on top of her lips.

"It's the third day we're trap here. If they were alive, they'd have called us already. They must have been destroyed."

" But we don't know that,"I argued softly, admiring her beauty in the sunrise light flowing through the window. "They may have escaped but the warp core broke down and Torres is working days and nights to fix it so they can come back for us..."

Maybe," she said thoughtfully."You wouldn't like to stay here?"

"With you? I'll stay anywhere! And here is probably the best place for me to be so close from you than any other Federation space... but we don't belong here!..."

"Can I tell you something personal?" I asked shyly.

"If you can't to someone who's in bed with you, to whom could you be personal with?" I teased. "Of course, you can..."

"When the others beamed away and you did not, it was.. overwhelming. My heart was beating so fast with joy, it was hard to hide it... but I couldn't show you that: you did act against the direct orders of your captain!... But it felt so great to have you loving me enough to risk everything to stay... I realized at that particular moment how much I love to be with you... You mean a lot to me, Pat."

"You mean everything to me, pretty Kate," I managed to say, swallowing the emotion she had created.

A short silence followed during which Kathryn and I didn't stop looking in each other's eyes, as if we were looking into each other's soul and finding the same deep love we both were feeling.  Without a word, she rolled on top of me and brought her face slowly closer to mine. I could feel her body heat mixing with mine through our night shirts. I didn't dare move, could hardly breathe, so worry I was that it would end this precious moment. She ô so slowly leaned over me, searching in my eyes the answer to her silent question, delaying the delightful moment when her lips finally landed on top of mines. I was fascinated by her beauty and her audacity and I was paralyzed by the joy she was giving me by such a simple gesture. I didn't dare move afraid to scare her away, forcing myself to keep my hands away of her gorgeous body. God knows I wanted this, but I couldn't refrain myself of wondering if she was acting on our feelings because of the drug in her system and I didn't want to abuse of her in that condition. She was kissing me passionately, holding my head between both hands, her mouth possessing mine, her tongue exploring and intertwining with mine, our breath was short and heartbeats frantic. Despite my worries, my body was answering the kiss with the same passion and we were both enthralled by its depth.  She stopped for a few seconds, slightly backing out to better look in my eyes and she saw my doubts and worries.

"Give in," she whispered. "Don't fight what's going on between us. I wanted this before Aldaz, even if I didn't allow myself to let you know. I... I never made love to a woman before... but I want you... now," she finished, taking possession of my mouth with a renewed passion.

Seeing that I didn't dare react, she authoritatively pulled my hands over her body, forcing me to touch her. I didn't need more to unfreeze my brain and get rid of whatever shyness I might have had. Without breaking the kiss, my right hand moved over her back, feeling the heat through her night shirt, while the other hand caressed the back of her neck, pulling her head closer, deepening the kiss even more if it was possible. Quickly, our clothes became in the way and we broke contact barely long enough to remove them. I took a couple of seconds to admire her beautiful naked body and she allowed me to with a devilish smile on her lips. She took my hand and brought it to her breast, making my breath catch in my lungs.

"Your hands know most of my body," she whispered remembering the massage I had given her months ago, "today they'll discover what was hidden last time..."

A shiver of pleasure ran down my spine at her tender promise. "I love you Kate," I stammered, my heartbeats being so loud that they were interfering with my vocal cords.

"I love you too," she answered, pulling me against her and stealing another passionate kiss.

It took a while for us to catch our breath after an incredibly intense lovemaking moment and we lied down side by side, tenderly caressing one another while we landed our mind back to the reality of our room. Observing my companion, I had no doubt that she felt the same contentment as I did and I cuddled closer to let her know how much she meant to me. We didn't need any words to know that we had, deep down in our mind, the same unanswered questions in front of this unexpected happiness in a relatively desperate situation. Our lives had just turned toward a direction that we might have not chosen but with which we would happily compose from now on.

One hour later, we had showered and put our aldazian working clothes on. We had a quick breakfast before going to the field and we had barely said ten words, no language able to express the emotions we were both dealing with, a mix of pure joy and worries. Nevertheless, before we moved on, I needed to tell her how much I had loved our morning passion and how much I loved her.

"You know," I started not sure how to express my feelings, "together we're not gonna make strong children, but it's fun to try..."

"You bet," she smiled. "I have to admit that it was quite an experience we had," she added passing her arm around my neck while I encircled her waist with mine. "I didn't expect anything like this...  so..intense.."

"Neither did I... You were sensational!"

"You weren't that bad either, cookie!... Listen to us, we sound like an old couple filled with clichés..."

"Yeah... Feelings are far beyond words!.... I love you, sweet Kate," I concluded kissing her tenderly.

"Love you too, honey," she answered between kisses.

One of us finally broke our kiss before the passion became out of control again. Kate refused to take her comm-badge with her to the field, furiously certain that Voyager wouldn't come back ever, but I put the communicator in our back, along with a few doses of Minal-E in case of a new crisis would occur. It wasn't supposed to happen, the drug she had been given now being a longer lasting one, but I felt safer to bring them with me in case. It was a beautiful day, probably even more so because we both were in such a happy mood together.

It happened in the middle of the afternoon. At first, none of us had realized what the chirping had been, but suddenly our eyes locked together and we knew that our past had caught with us.

"Did you hear it too?" I asked, my mouth suddenly awfully dry.

"I thought I did..."

I dug out the comm-badge from the bag and handed it to Janeway. She hesitated and then she reluctantly took in in her shaking hand. She pinned it on her vest, tapped it and called Voyager.

"Chakotay here," the voice answered, his relief obvious. "Thank God you're still alive! How are you, Captain?"

"Quite fine actually. How about you?"

"We're okay but it was a close call we had. I suggest that you go to the beam up site, we have a lock on the generators and we'll try to bring you home."

"Hold on a second, Mr. Chakotay," she requested, interrupting the communication to talk to me privately. "Home... it suddenly sounds strange, isn't it?"

"We have to go," I sighed. "The ship needs you, as well as the crew..."

"And us?"

"I wish I knew, Kathryn," I admitted sadly, "but you must go back."

"Janeway to Voyager," she called without taking her eyes away from mine so I could see the mix of emotions she had to deal with at that precise moment.

"Go ahead Captain."

"We'll be at the rendez-vous point in half-an-hour. Are you sure to be able to beam me up this time?"

"85 % sure, Captain."

"Within the next thirty minutes, try to find the fifteen missing percents. Janeway out."

"You're being rude," I reproached. "They've been through a lot of trouble to come get us."

"True but I want to be certain that they'll bring me up in one piece. And I need to talk with you..."

"You're afraid, I know," I tried to comfort her softly, "but Voyager is where we belong.."

"Is it really?"

"Yes! And you took a risk by asking half-an-hour delay... That gives a long time to the Kazon ships to intercept Voyager."

"I wanted to go to the house get the drug before we leave."

"I have a few doses with me..."

"Not enough..."

"Come on Kate, more will not change anything."

"I'm gonna die anyway, right?"

"Please, don't say that, you know you're wrong..."

"I'm scared, can you understand that?" she yelled angrily.

"Of course I can, Love... Okay, fine, we'll go get them first. I just hope the Kazons won't be suspicious by seeing us in town at that time of the day then leaving to the forest..."

"I'd rather take that risk, Pat..." she moaned, tears in her eyes.

"Fine then... Let's go!"

Hand holding hand, we went to the house without encountering anyone and we then headed toward the wood where our generators were still active. We arrived there barely within the time Janeway had given to Chakotay.

"Two things before you hail them," I started. "First, I want you to ask them to beam you first and then, beam me only when they'll be sure to have you aboard. I don't want to leave you behind this time."

"Okay," she approved.

"The second is more personal," I said taking her in a tender embrace. "I might never have this opportunity once back on the ship..."

I leaned over and kissed her passionately. She gave in the pleasure of the moment with the same desperation, the same passion and we both were out of breath when we finally broke apart.

"Whatever'll happen on Voyager," I articulated emotionally, "nothing will ever dissipate my love for you, nothing will make me forget what we lived here..."

"I guess we're going to leave a part of us behind, but if we're together, there will be a future together, even on Voyager," she tried to reassure both of us.

"I will always love you, Sleeping Beauty," I finished with a last kiss.

"So will I..."

A long last embrace, a look full of hope and she stepped back a little before calling Voyager on her usual captain tone. A few minutes later, we were both in sickbay, surrounded by all senior officers and the doctor.

"Welcome aboard, Captain," Chakotay greeted her warmly.

"Thank you, Commander. We appreciate what you've been through to come back and get us," she told him, voluntarily underlining the fact that we were two to be back, not only her.

"It wasn't easy but I promised you to come... and I did."

"I'm glad to see you back," Tuvok said, his neutral tone betraying a slight of relief.

"Thank you Mr. Tuvok."

"We'll let you rest," Chakotay continued. "Should we resume our course to the Alpha Quadrant, Captain?"

"Not quite yet, Commander. I need an answer from the doctor before that. But take a safe distance from the planet. I'll tell you as soon as I know..."

"I understand," he told her sincerely.

"You'll be in charge of the bridge for a few days more, unless something major happen, to give me the time to refocus."

"No problem, Captain. You must have been through a lot down there, you deserve some time off."

"Thank you for your understanding, Commander...

"Ensign," he told me, suddenly remembering that I was back on board too, "I want to see you in the ready room as soon as your medical exami..."

"Commander," Janeway interrupted abruptly, "Pat... I mean Miss Smythe is going to be off duty as well."

"But there is disciplinary..."

"I'll handle that later, Commander. As you said, I've been through a lot but I wasn't alone and without her I wouldn't be here at all. She and I will be off for a few days, then we'll talk discipline and duty."

"As you wish, Captain."

During all that time, the doctor was examining me from head to toes in an absolute silence. When Chakotay and the others left, he dropped his diagnostic.

"You're in perfect shape."

"I knew that!"

"You may leave now..."

"Don't!" Janeway almost yelled, holding her arm toward me as an invitation to come closer.

"I'm going nowhere," I reassured her, taking her hand in mine.

"In that case,"the doctor sighed, "please don't interfere with my work."

"Doctor," Kathryn explained, "I've been addicted to some drug called Minal-E. It has no effect when in sufficient quantity but when the rate lowers, I have hallucinations... very real hallucinations with very real pain... and without a new injection, I'll die. I did already once, I was... revived by CPR."

"Interesting," he sail spontaneously. "I mean... from a medical point of view, of course. And how long is your body taking to burn all that drug?"

"About seven hours now..."

"When is the last time you took it?"

"A little more than two hours ago."

"So it gave us some time. Do you have, by any chance, some samples of that drug?"

"I have a few doses," I told him, handing him one, "in case..."

"I'm going to make a complete analysis of that. In the mean time, as you are healthy enough, you may go. I'll call you as soon as I have some results."

"Don't be too long, doc," she asked him.

"I've been programed to work quickly and efficiently," he said offended.

"I didn't know that hologram could be touchy," I told Janeway as we walked out of sick-bay.

" Neither did I... Well, what do we do to wait without going nuts?"

"Sit at the bottom of a tree near a glacier?"

"You and your glacier," she smiled despite her anxiety.

"Any other idea?"

"No... It's a relaxing set up," she admitted walking toward the holodeck.

We had been near the glacier for a little more than an hour when the doctor called the captain to request her presence in sickbay.

"I want you with me," she asked as we left the holodeck.

"You got me," I simply answered, following her in the turbolift.

"How's the situation, doctor?" she asked as soon as the door closed behind us in sickbay.

"Please, lie down first, then I'll explain," he told her as I was standing a little behind her.

"Somehow that doesn't sound comforting," she shivered getting on the biobed. "Pat, I need you closer..."

*Pat?* "Sure, but... your rank..."

"Doctor, do holograms gossip?"

"I am not programed for such futility."

"Then what is happening here between your patients will not be revealed to anyone else?"

"Of course not! And if you refer to the high level of pheromones I've detected in both of your organisms, don't worry it will not be mentioned," he added, making us both blush strongly.

"Thank you doctor," she said raising her hand to take mine. "Now, please explain. I'm in trouble, right?"

"Perhaps not," he started while Kathryn's hold of my hand grew tighter. "This Minal-E is no chemical drug, it's some king of a virus. The cells travel in your blood to go hang in your brain until they need oxygen. Then they go back in your blood, through the heart and back in the brain."

"I don't want to be rude, doctor, but I don't care how they live. Can you get rid of them?"

"I could filter your blood and, to avoid any brain reaction, inject you a cerebro-stimulator mixed with some anesthetic..."

"But"? she analyzed.

"But I have no idea what will be the reaction of the virus."

"If you simply make me unconscious while you filter my blood, what would happen?"

"I don't know how that thing is going to react to any of our technology and we don't have time to do any tests."

"Very comforting," she grumbled. "In case this doesn't work, could you replicate that stuff?"

"The computer doesn't have enough data about it yet..."

"Pat, how many doses do we have?"

"Twelve. Three to four days."

"That give us some time to thing about it," she sighed.

"Well... not exactly," the doctor said embarrassed.

"Explain!"

"This biological stuff doesn't survive our environment... Your doses won't be usable in 24 hours."

The new fell like the ax on a condemned man and a heavy silence filled the room.

"Very well then," Janeway finally said having taken her decision. "Try what you said, doctor. If anything goes wrong, you'll give me a new dose of that shit and I'll talk to Chakotay. If it works, I'll be drug free... We have no choice anyway!"

"We'll be fixed about the results in less than an hour," the doctor affirmed while preparing his patient and instruments for the operation.

"Pat," she begged, "don't abandon me..."

"Never!"

The doctor placed different little electrodes on her chest and temple to control her reactions and anticipate what to do next. He asked her to lay her arms along her body and he closed the technical tool that covered her upper body, supervising vital signs. Feeling her needs to have me close from her, I stood at the head of the bed, gently massaging her shoulders without interfering with the doctor's job. When he turned the switch on, all her muscles got tense as she was in a state near panic, knowing exactly what were the risks of such an operation. I was almost as worry as she was, but I did my best to remain calm and comfort her.

"Pat," she whispered nervously, "I need to see you..."

"I'm right here," I answered getting at her side without loosing the physical link my hands had on her shoulder. "Everything will be fine..."

Her worried look met mine and I tried as much as I could to infuse some confidence in her mind. She had a pale smile for me while the doctor followed attentively the evolution of the procedure.

After half an hour that felt like eternity, Janeway started to feel the first symptoms of withdrawal. The anxiety that she and I were feeling climbed a few notches, but the calm of our doctor kinda tempered our fear. The fact that a hologram rarely would get nervous didn't cross our minds, which was a good thing.

"Are you in pain?" I asked softly.

"Not yet... just uncomfortable so far... Pat, if... if it doesn't work, are you willing to go back on Aldaz with me?"

"You know that, don't you
"
"I wanna hear it... please..."

"Of course I will!"

"You're ready to give up your career in Starfleet for me?"

"I already gave up on that, even if we stay aboard Voyager."

"What do you mean?"

"Once you'll be in charge again, you'll find my resignation on your desk."

"Why?"

"We can't work closely together anymore."

"You're one of the best on the bridge..."

"Mr. Kim is as good as me... Anyway, we'll talk later about that."

"I won't accept your resignation," she pouted.

"For the credibility of your authority, you'll have no choice."

The pain got more intense and I saw her wincing although she remained silent.

"You okay?" I worried.

"A little less every second..."

"Doc?" I questioned.

"Everything is under control," he assured us.

"Pat," she spoke with a hoarse voice, "I'm loosing it..."

"Don't worry my love, I'll take care of you," I whispered in her ear.

The hallucinations were quickly growing and Kathryn screamed as much in pain as in fear visualizing someone who was stabbing her repeatedly with a old fashion kitchen knife. She was trashing around despite her bonds that held her securely on the biobed. I could almost feel her pain physically in my own body. I looked at the doc, desperate to help my beloved, but he was calmly concentrated on the readings, activating the neuro-stimulators without much effect, injecting intravenously some anesthetic that seemed to help very slightly. Seeing the positive result on his monitor, the doctor injected a second dose of tranquilizer and Janeway fought with less vigor. She looked, I know she was, utterly exhausted. Finally, the mix of pain, exhaustion and tranquilizer made her fall into peaceful unconsciousness.

"Doc, what's happening?" I worried.

"The Minal-E is almost completely removed and the anesthetic is doing its job by letting her rest." Silence. "All vital signs are stabilized." Longer silence. "She'll be fine," the verdict finally fell, allowing me to exhale a breath that I wasn't even aware I was holding.

"Thanks doc," I sighed, caressing Kathryn's peaceful face with the back of my hand.

A few minutes more and she would be completely out of danger. I was deeply relieved, although somewhere inside my heart, a little voice was asking anxiously what the changes would be in our relationship. This love she had declared and proven to me, was it real or just enhanced by the drug? What would happened now that she was clean? Difficult questions for which I had no answer.

"Her metabolism is clean," the doctor finally announced. "She'll be asleep for a while if you wanna leave..."

"I'll stay 'til she wakes up. Thanks..."

"Suit yourself!" he groaned, rolling his eyes unable to understand my devotion to the captain.

For safety despite his assurance that everything was fine, the doctor kept some monitor on, but removed the chest apparatus that was refraining me from holding her hand. The silence broken only by the regular beeps of the monitors, I sat beside the biobed, her hand tightly held in mine, and I waited patiently for her to wake up, admiring the beauty of her face, following the thin lines worries had carved in the soft skin.

Three hours later, she slowly regained consciousness. I waited silently, only squeezing her hand for comfort when I felt her tensing as memory was coming back to her. She opened her eyes, looked around in search of mines and locked on target. I held my breath, unsure of what to say or do.

"And?" was the only word she asked while looking into my soul.

" You're free," I assured her with a warm smile.

"Is it certain?"

"Positively certain!"

She exhaled a heavy sigh and closed her eyes at the verdict. "Thank you!" she whispered to no one in particular, God maybe, or the doc, I didn't dare ask.

"Ah Captain. Welcome back! the doctor said loudly. "You're fine, but I will keep you here for a day or two, just to make sure that you'll get some rest."

"You're the doctor," she spoke faintly before he walked away.

"How do you feel?" I asked gently.

"Relieved... How about you?" she questioned after a short silence.

"I'm glad that you're safe now..."

"But something is bothering you," she analyzed.

"You're half asleep and you sense that... I'm impressed!"

"I've learned to know you," she smiled.

"I see that!"

"And you're avoiding the question," she underlined.

"It's not the time to talk about that yet. Get some rest and then we'll talk, all right?"

"Oh... Computer," she raised her voice that was raspy from the earlier screaming, "end holoprogram."

The doctor disappeared without having had time to say a word, but his jaw was open in a totally offended expression.

"What did..." I started.

"Shhtt," she interrupted me tenderly. "You don't want to talk now, but I have something to say... and no one has to hear it."

"I'll go then, " I teased, feeling awkward suddenly.

"No one but you," she specified. "You're worry, aren't you?"

"You're drug free, I shouldn't be..."

"You're avoiding the question again."

"No, I'm avoiding the answer!"

"Would it help if I told you that my feelings toward you have nothing to do with my addiction and that I still love you like the morning we made love together?" she asked, her eyes twinkling at the memory.

"It helps a lot," I answered hoarsely.

"While we have some privacy... kiss me," she ordered in a whisper.

I leaned over and dropped my lips on top of hers in a tender and passionate kiss to which she answered with all the energy she could gather in such state of exhaustion.

"I love you, Pat."

"I love you too, sweet Kate."

"We'll have a lot to talk later on... Computer, reactivate emergency holographic doctor," she ordered as her energy was draining quickly.

"Please state the nature of the medic..".

"No emergency, we just brought you back," she said on her best captain's tone.

"I strongly suggest that you don't do such things without warnings. That could b..."

"We won't do it anymore, doctor," Janeway promised with a wink to my attention.

"You're in good hands now Kate," I said quietly. "I'm gonna let you rest..."

"You have to rest too... and eat may be," she teased me affectionately.

"I haven't thought about it, but now that you mentioned it... If you need anything, just call me!"

"You bet I will!"

"I'll see you in the morning..."

"I'm looking forward to it. Sweet dreams, honey," she teased me as I was moving away.

"Same to you," I answered, not daring to add anything personal as I felt the suspicious look of the doctor on my back.

Janeway spent twenty-four hours in observation in sickbay but despite the fact that I remained with her most of the time, the inactivity was weighing too much for her and she talked the doc to let her at least spend the needed rest time in her quarters. He had agreed only if she promised to completely avoid work and had someone with her at all time for the next two days. She agreed and I was ordered to care for my captain for the next fourty-eight hours, which of course I was delighted to do. She took a couple of walks to the bridge and her ready-room, but I made sure she didn't work and let Chakotay in charge of operations.  The only order she had given had been to lay a course toward the Alpha Quadrant to resume our journey toward Earth.

Slowly she was regaining strength and was becoming the Captain Janeway we all knew before the latest incident. However, when we were alone in her quarters, I only faced the distressed woman behind the officer, magnificent, sensual and vulnerable. I had been ordered to take care of her, but that was my only ambition anyway. I was supposed to spend the night with her to make sure she was ok and I was sharing her bed. So far, everything was working great for us despite the fact that we were back on Voyager. Even in the galley, if she needed physical contact between us -as we craved to touch one another most of the time- she could pretend feeling dizzy and I would catch her immediately without anyone around questioning my move. It was a time of mixed feelings, happy and yet worried. We knew it wouldn't -couldn't- last forever that way.

On the third day, when I came back from sickbay where I had given my last reports to the doc, I came back to the captain's quarter in a more official manner.

"What's up Cookie?" she greeted me joyfully.

"As you're back in charge, Captain, I came to present my resignation from the bridge and request for another assignation in the ship."

"You really mean that, do you?" she whispered, words half caught in her throat.

"Yes Captain."

"You're one of the top-four officers on the bridge, I can't let you go just because you don't feel like working with me anymore...

"Like you already noticed, because of personal interests, I could disobey your orders. I did once already. You can't take the risk of having an officer who doesn't want to execute what you command to do."

"I can't accept your resignation, I need you on the bridge."  *More than you even think*

"I'm sorry to insist, Captain, but Mr. Kim would be a good replacement."

"Mr. Kim doesn't have half the experience you do."

"He'll learn."

"Ensign, I took my decision: I refuse to let you go."

"Then, I must ask to have my case discussed with the other officers, like the paragraph 454.3 of Starfleet Regulations is authorizing me to request."

"'Conflict of interests'," she recited "For someone who claim to disobey orders, you seem to know the rules pretty well! Can't we talk that over just you and I, as friends?"

"This is an official matter, Captain."

"Fine, fine," she grumbled in frustration. "I'll convoke Chakotay, Tuvok and Paris at eleven hundred hours in my ready-room. Be there."

"Thank you, Captain."

"May I ask you a personal question, Ensign?"

"Of course, Captain."

"Are you throwing away only our professional relationship or is our private life also at stake?"

"This is strictly professional, Captain. I'm doing this so we can have a personal relationship."

"So we'll still see each other off duty?"

"I hope so and that's why I have to leave the bridge. We have a choice to make: or we work together or we have fun together..."

"For a second, I thought you'll say 'live together'," she whispered.

"I almost said it," I admitted with a smile. "But that's something we could talk off duty," I continued more officially.

"Fine Ensign. I'll see you at eleven hundred then. Dismiss!"

"Aye Captain."

When I arrived for the appointment, Janeway and the others had already debated my case although Kathryn had avoided anything related to what was happening between she and I.

"I'm sorry to hear that you want to leave the bridge," Chakotay started.

"I don't deserve to be there, Sir," I explained. "An officer who doesn't execute orders has to give its place to someone else."

"Self-criticism is good," Tuvok admitted, "but you also have to realize that you are doing your job very well... except for the one order you refused to take. Your conduct on the bridge has caused no concern up to now and we find hard to believe that it will in the future..."

"Thank you, Mr. Tuvok, but I must insist. There are facts that you don't know which are leading me."

"Maybe if we knew them..." Paris underlined with an obvious misplaced curiosity.

"Impossible, it's personal," I answered quickly before Janeway had a chance to say anything.

"Are you sure that you won't regret your choice?" Chakotay questioned.

"I'm hoping that I won't regret it," I said avoiding to look at Kathryn, "but no one knows what will happen in the future."

"We can't force you to stay, but we would like you to reconsider your request."

"I already did, Sir."

Janeway had refrained herself from talking since the beginning. She was sunk deep in her chair, her piercing blue eyes locked on me. Without looking, I knew she was seeing deeper than my thought. I felt like she was peering straight in my soul.

"Where would you like to be assigned?" Chakotay asked me.

"Anywhere, Sir."

"Engineering?"

"That would be fine, Sir."

"Well, Ensign," Janeway suddenly dropped, "we'll discuss among senior officers and will tell you where your duty will be."

"Thank you, Captain. I appreciate it."

"We'll miss you on the bridge," Paris added before I left the room.

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

I was summoned in Janeway's ready-room exactly three minutes before the end of my shift and I suspected that Kathryn had some off-duty agenda by choosing exactly that time. But I showed myself in front of her as an officer on duty, showing no sign of my suspicion.

"Ensign," she spoke slowly, choosing her words carefully, "as you requested it you'll be transferred to another duty. We talked a lot and decided that you would be using your capabilities very efficiently in Engineering. You'll report tomorrow at nine hundred hours to Lieutenant Torres."

"Aye Captain."

"We all regret your decision, but we respect it..."

"Thank you Captain."

"That will be all, Ensign. Dismiss!"

"Aye Captain."

"Is your shift ended yet?" she called me before I reached the door.

"It just did," I acknowledged trying to hide a knowing smile.

"You knew why I convoked you at three to four, didn't you?"

"I suspect so, yes..."

"I'm also off duty now..."

"Oh really?! I'm so surprised," I teased her.

"Would you join me for dinner tonight, devoted Pat?"

"I'd be delighted, Sweet Captain o' mine..."

Not being under her direct orders anymore was somehow helping our relationship, although ultimately she was still my superior. But we could meet without hiding our friendship from the rest of the crew. The exact nature of our relationship however would have to remain discreet, to preserve her authority but mostly because we both didn't want to advertise our love among the crew. That is one of the reasons that lead us to remain in separate quarters even tough we often spent the night in one of our quarters. Our walks in the holodeck were known and accepted, many actually envied our friendship and all were happy to see the captain relaxing despite the weight of responsibilities upon her shoulders.

Although Janeway often repeated how much she missed my presence on the bridge, she finally admitted that it had been a good decision to get a new assignation. As for me, although engineering wasn't as interesting as my previous duties, I wouldn't have it any other way, choosing the liberty of seeing Kathryn on a personal level over rating anything else. We were both satisfied the way this were and we did spend a lot of time together.

Life aboard Voyager, seventy thousand light years from Earth, was suddenly a lot brighter for at least two members of the crew. All we were wishing was for the rest of the crew to live the same kind of happiness we were.

The end of story one.
Continued in story two

Commençée le 7 novembre 1995
Terminée le 16 novembre 1995
Translated in May 1999
written without interruption (except working hours..and even then... :o)